Only Thing Left

   

 When I looked at my hand this morning, I had so many thoughts run through my head.

 I thought of the things that have made me weak as a person. My health, my past, my sins. I thought of how I let those things control me for so many years. Then, I thought about a man. A man who has made me strong. A man who had the courage and wisdom to help me see my strengths.

 I thought of the many people who have abandoned me. I thought of the family who doesn't even acknoweldge me. I thought of how broken that makes me feel. I thought of that man again, the one who makes me feel whole again. Who loves me even when I'm unloveable.

 I thought of the many friends whom I have always looked to for support. The ones I trusted with all of my heart and that are now gone for whatever reason. The thought, again. That man, again. The one that promised to be my best friend forever.

 When I looked at my hand, I knew that God was reminding me that I'll always have someone in my life left to help me, when all of the others have gone.

 He is the one who said "I love you", and meant it.

 The one who said, "To have and to hold from this day forward."

 The one who said, "For richer or poorer."

 The one who said, "Till death do us part."

When I'm alone and I need a friend, or someone to hold my hand,  I am reminded of this man who said, "I do."

The only thing left for me to say is, "Okay, I let you."

"If He Had Lost A Leg"

"If he had lost a leg"

Those words came out of my mouth this week as I was talking about my son Reese.

When he was in his wreck in November a bolt from the steering column came through and punctured a hole in his jeans he was wearing. They had to tear his jeans to untangle the bolt that was poking into his leg.

Not that I would have ever wanted his wreck to be worse. But, sometimes I have to wonder if people would better understand, or if they wouldn't ask "When is he going back to school" or "You let him play in a band????" Those questions are always proceeding by a look of disappointment.

If the teenagers wouldn't roll their eyes or snicker when they listen to him talk about his dreams.

I wonder if any of that would happen if something more obviously physical had occurred to him in that wreck. I know that you can't see the damage with your eyes. But, as a momma of an 18 year old son that has a traumatic brain injury, I do. I see everyday what he deals with. I see that he questions himself. I see when the snide remarks and the eye rolls cut like knives. I see it, because I feel it too.

I see when the depression sets in. I see I do not wish depression on anyone.

What I do wish is that compassion could be taught.

I wish that when you call me (or text) and I tell you "I am sorry but, I'm dealing with something serious in my household right now." That you can find it in yourself to understand that it's not you. Never was. Never has been. It's that my every ounce of energy, thought, heart and soul are consumed right now.

I wish that when I say, "My son is in a band." That you see that he thrives in performing. And, right now thriving in life is what I think he needs. And, I am happy that he can do so.

I wish that when you think he should be in school right now, that you knew that what we wish, was for his focus to feel good about himself. And, we know that school can come later.

I said the statement, "If he had lost a leg," that I think peoples judgements, reactions, and comments would not be as derogatory. But, the realization of that is...... you can't teach compassion. You can't teach selflessness. You can't teach tact.

I have to be reminded that All you can do is care for the family God gave you. If friendships diminish, if eyes are rolled, if words are said that cut like knives, it will be okay.

And, be thankful he didn't lose a leg. Or worse, his life.

love

Don't Bruise My Apples

  The other day I bought a bag of apples at the store. As the cashier placed them with "great force' into the grocery bag, I felt my eyes bug out of my head. Really. The thought crossed my mind, "Does she not know that apples bruise?" I quickly gained a smiling face once I realized I probably had a sour look upon me. I mean, it is just apples. Not the end of the world, Jade. 

 For some reason after we left, I started thinking about that situation again. I started thinking about my Christian family and how sometimes we do things to each other that causes bruises to one another. I try to tell myself that these things are not intentional. That they were just having a bad day or whatever. Sometimes, it may just be that they are going through something themselves.  Who knows. I know I have unintentionally hurt others when I had personal things going on in my life. I just didn't realize it was hurting anyone else.

 When I thought about all of this, I thought about how God must think when we "bruise" his children, our brothers and sisters. I know he is displeased. 

 Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. What a lie that is. Ask that couple that has left the church because of people bashing them. Ask that teenager that does not want to go to Bible class because of all of the kids whispering around them. Ask that woman that does not want to go to lunch with everyone else because "She" will be there. You know, the friend that talked about her behind her back. The one she trusted. 

 Some would say that these people just need a backbone. In some cases you are right. I say we need to stop "bruising" our fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. Then, they wouldn't have to have a stronger backbone. They would trust more, fellowship more and love one another more. Isn't that what Christians are to do anyway? 

 So the next time the thought crosses your mind to call up "Jane" and tell her everything you know, or you think you know, about 'Sally". Stop. Think. Is this going to benefit or "bruise' my sister in Christ that God has given me to love, respect and protect. 

 Souls are far more important than apples. 

GET REAL! 

 

 

 

The situation

 A few weeks ago, I learned of a situation that has really made me come to grips with some things.

 A friend of mine said something about me, that really just broke my heart.

 Of course my initial reaction was anger, which really just stemmed from being hurt.

 The more I have prayed about it, and the more I have studied about it, I have come to peace with it. Sure, we never want someone to talk behind our backs, especially our friends. As we all know, this unfortunately is going to happen.

 When it does, I have choices I can make. These are the three I chose to write about.

1) Be aggressive and "go after" her. ( Which would only hurt you in the long run.)

2)  Be passive aggressive and talk to EVERYONE else about it but her, bashing her name in the process.  Proverbs 17:9 Whoever covers an offense seeks love, but he who repeats a matter separates close friends.

3) Forgive.

 Now, I will say this. Being in a situation like this is very hard for me. These are my friends. These are people that I trust (as much as I can) and these are people that I love.  I hate when things like this happen. I question myself and the person that I am. (I think we all do.) I have to tell myself that I can not control her actions. Only mine.

 I also had to ask myself if what she said was true. To my knowledge it was not. It was an opinion. It did take me a long time to accept that. I do not like people having issues with who I am. As much as I know how imperfect I am, for some reason, I feel like there should not be anyone that sees me that way. Yeah, yeah. Get over yourself!

 For some reason, one little statement can cause us to question our whole self worth. Don't let that happen. If you do have a question of whether or not you are what they say you are, ask an honest friend about your personality. I have a friend I'm going to refer to as "Honest". If you do not want to know about the true YOU, do not ask her. Ha Ha.

 Some people would take offense to her honesty but, I have tried to use it to my advantage of bettering myself. For instance, I asked her once what my flaws were....... she gave me three answers. By the way, I have more than three flaws. She was just being nice!

 One of them was that I stay on my phone too much when I am in the company of others. Truth.  I stay on my phone too much when I'm by myself! (Which was something I always hated when the teenagers were at my house, I used to threaten to take them away, in fact I may have a time or two. Or three!)

 Anyway, I have tried to fix that. Still working on it.

 Point being, It is good to have those kinds of friends!

 Only if you can handle and accept truth! Do not take offense to her answer if you ask your "honest" friend that question though. I mean, you did ask. Use it to better yourself if it is something you feel like would make you a better friend, wife, mom, co-worker, person in general.

 Back to the situation: I'm over it. Done. Over. Gone. Moving On.

 I have been wanting to write about it since I learned of it. I realized my heart was not in the right place at the time to do so.  I know as Christians we struggle sometimes to 'let go" of things. I have learned that over time, holding hurt feelings in our hearts only hurts you. Most of the time, the other person isn't even thinking about you! For some reason, we always think they are. Nope.

 I hope reading this, you will realize that overcoming hurt feelings is a gift to yourself. I like gifts!  It unlocks a sense of freedom that only you hold the key to.

 So what if you were wronged, so what if they are "your friend" and it hurt you.

 Think about your relationship with your husband. Does he love you? Has he ever unintentionally hurt you? In my life the answer to those questions is yes. And, B is my best friend. He has hurt my feelings and it was unintentionally. I know that he loves me with all of his heart and that I am the best thing in his life EVER though! HAHA!

 You have to realize that every relationship will not be perfect and realize that you also have wronged others unintentionally.

 Moral of the story:
1) Forgive
2) Find an "honest" in your life
3) Better yourself
4) Give yourself this gift today

1 Peter 1:3 Above all, keep loving one another earnestly since love covers a multitude of sins.

Brag A Little. Brag A Lot.

                                                               6 inches!!!!!!

Okay,

   I know that it is rude to brag. My mom taught me better than that. Honestly, I think I need to
share this for the sake of myself today.

              I HAVE NOT WORKED OUT IN TWO WEEKS. 

So, needless to say, I have felt a little gross about myself.

My numbers on the scale have not changed. In fact I have lost according to them. ( I don't watch the number on the scale too much.) TOO DEPRESSING!!! I do try to watch how my clothes are fitting though.

I have complained to B for a few weeks that I need to go to my trusty Goodwill  to find me another belt because this one was getting annoying.

So,  I finally got him to just poke another hole in it for me.  I know that's jank. (btw, my comp. does't understand my slang, it changed this to "bank' four times! Made me laugh! HE HE!!)

When B brought my belt back to me, I realized that there was a pretty good gap between the hole he had  punched and where I started wearing the belt.

So, I marked it and then measured it. YES IT'S GOING IN MY SMASHBOOK. It was just what I needed to remind me that I have worked hard for this and even though I feel junky physically right now, I have a right to be proud of what I have accomplished.

If you are struggling with NO THYROID like me and half of your days on life are filled with pain in your body, and you get mad about that, and feel sorry for yourself, and you eat to try to make yourself feel better, and then you just find yourself in this mad miserable circle in life.........

Know that there is hope.

Stop with your abuse to yourself.

Eat for nutrition, not comfort.

Go outside. Get some fresh air. Take your camera if you need to for motivation. You will find some happiness outside those doors,  I promise. God made some beautiful scenery in this world. And, when I see it, I tell myself he did it just for me but in reality, he made it for you to enjoy too. Go do it!

Now, YAY ME!

I just had to brag a little. No, I had to brag a lot.

6 INCHES GONE from my waist!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
6 jean sizes later!!!!!!!!!



*** I had lost before I bought this belt, But, I don't know how many inches. I didn't measure :(
 I also had him poke two more holes in it before this one today. I wish I had wrote those dates down........

Forgive me for bragging. I do hope this helps some of you find strength in yourself today. I helped me to get my mind back in order with my own health.  Let's do this.



                                                 

Fibro Doesn't Stop For Pop Tarts

My week:

Monday:
 Wake up, not feeling so hot. Push through. Clean my room. No biggee. Like a normal person.

Tuesday:
  Wake up, still not up to par. Push through. Cook supper for the rest of the week and made Supper for a sick friend and her family. No biggee. Like a normal person.

Wednesday:
  Wake up, still a little yucky. Push through. Go eat lunch with my amazing friend. (Something that I had been trying to do for a week now and haven't because I have felt so bad.) No biggee. Like a normal person.

3:00 comes...... Not doing well.
4:00 comes...... Kase is asleep on the couch, sick. Me, I'm tired. No biggee. Like a normal person.
5:00 comes...... I'm "Exhausted". I go lay down.
6:00 comes...... I wake up from my alarm. Check on Kase. He is still asleep. Has fever. I go to bed.
7:00 comes...... I get up come back to check on Kase. Still asleep. I sit beside him and rub his sweet
                         little head. ( I know he is 16, I don't care)
8:00 comes...... I'm crying my eyes out. I'M "EXHAUSTED". I text B. Warn him. Warn him about 
                        what he is coming home to. Warn him that I'm the kind of "exhausted" that has put me    
                        in the hospital three times now. You see "exhausted" is our keyword."Exhausted"means
                        I'm in trouble. Something is going on with my body that I'm not real sure of. This could
                        be the result of a normal everyday common cold. It could mean that my thyroid levels
                        are out of this world. (they have been normal for a month now, they have NEVER been
                        normal. NEVER) So, who knows what is wrong.

                        I can't breathe. No, it hurts my body to breathe. My breaths get shorter and my energy
                        goes away with each one. Normally, this is a three to four day duration I go through. I          
                        don't go to the hospital anymore. They just want to run test that I don't have money for
                        and give me meds that I'm not going to take. (I have tried them ALL.) That is another
                        post, another day.

                        So, you are wondering if I'm in so much pain and I'm so "exhausted" that I can't
                        breathe, why am I  still up?

                 

Does that answer your question?
Fibro doesn't stop for Pop Tarts.
GET REAL.

imperfect me.

So here it is. 

Real Life ME. 

No make up. 

No enhancers. 

No filters. 

 I saw this card today while I was doing my amazing new Snapbooking and, I just started to ponder on those words. Real life. 

 In Facebook world I think we sometimes forget about real life. It's become a place to show off our new cars, how awesome our children are and how wonderful a mom we are. Well, I don't read too many post about getting up late on Sunday morning, screaming at the children, trying to get out the 

door. Everyone ill on the way to services. 

Then, BOOM. 

Pull up to the door and that smile goes on like its painted by "The Joker." 

 Well, you may be joking everyone around you, but your husband and children know what just happened. After services you get back into the car and everyone goes back in to unhappy mode. You've had that day. I've had many of them. 

 I sure didn't plaster that on my sweet little organized oh so cute Facebook page though. 

 Nope. I wouldn't want people to ever know that I had a bad day. That I was a "mean" Mom. That I made a MISTAKE. Forbid I tell the world that. 

 Well, dear Facebook world. 

I MAKE MISTAKES. 

Ask the Hubs.
Ask the kids.
Ask my Mom! (Yeah Mom went through a lot! I was a horrible kid.)Sorry Mom. Really, SORRY. 

 Let me stop and say this.  I'm so thankful to God that he made me realize how special I was and that I could be a better person than what I ever imagined possible. Not perfect, better. Believe me, my life was protected by Him many times. I'm very thankful for Christ's  love for me and him putting B in my life to help me see my life's worth. 

 Now, several years ago I realized that when I was more "real", it made people more comfortable with being who they are. They were more open to accepting Christ, because they felt that HE didn't need perfection from us. He needed repentance. Guess what, repentance sometimes takes time.

 When B came back to Christ, he had a "cussing notebook." He wrote down every time he said a cuss word. Everyday, that list got shorter and shorter until one day he didn't say any at all. Several people reminded him in this process that he had repented and they mocked and ridiculed him for it.

God knows a repentance heart. We don't. Do not kick a Christian when they are down. DO NOT. 

 We have this horrible, horrible misconception that we need to be "flawless" to be good Christians. You are only setting yourself up for failure it that is the case. You will always think you are not good enough. You will think you can't teach others about Christ because you are still trying to learn more about Him yourself. 

 Repeat after me. "I AM GOOD ENOUGH." 

 Repeat after me, "Others are going to judge me no matter what I do." 

Repeat after me, "Christ opinion of me matters. No body else's does." 

So, let's join in on this "real life" together and when you look at me,  don't pull out your little notebook to write down everything that is wrong about me. (I already know, but thanks!) Come get me, hold my hand, and help me get to that Promise Land that we are all striving for. 

 Because, if you know anything about me, you know that's how I feel about YOU.

GET REAL