We all know that over the past few years I have had a sense of change in me. Some of you love it and some of you are scared by it. But, I felt at that point in my life I needed it the most. I started being HONEST. Not that I had been lying before, I just never talked about it with anyone. And, only a lucky (or unlucky) few really know EVERYTHING about me. It's just easier that way!
But, with my Fibro and my life crumbling before my eyes, I needed an outlet. That is when I started talking on Facebook and Blogging about my insecurities, my fears, my struggles and everything else people are scared to reveal about themselves.
As uncomfortable as it may make some of you, it helps me. I also think it helps others that are scared to reveal they are not perfect.
I'M NOT PERFECT.
I said it. It's no secret. I don't try to hide from it or coward behind it because then it just brings up more insecurities.
I have a weakness that I need to reveal. When I take pain meds or anything like that, for some reason I do not react well to them. ( B will be glad to tell you the stories!) In fact I turn part devil.
Yes I Get This Ugly!
When I first got diagnosed with my Fibro, it was a nightmare. And, this is when I need to stop and give a huge Kuddos to my husband. IT WAS A NIGHTMARE. To say those words is an understatement. I ended up just being a recluse because it was so hard to deal with. I could not explain what was wrong with me, really because I didn't even know. I lost friends because of it, my family members couldn't even understand it. I honestly just thought it was how I was going to spend the rest of my life.
They changed my meds it seemed every two weeks. I went from being extremely tired and sleeping all of the time to staying up for two weeks straight. Yes, I was unpleasant.
It was not until I was hospitalized one time that B could even understand it. It is nothing short than God's beautiful work that the lady that worked the front desk started talking to B. Her daughter had Fibro also. With ALL of the doctors visits and ALL of the info we had read, he at that time began to see what I was going through was not only hard for him but also for me. She taught him so much about what was happening to me.
My life as I knew it was taken away. I went from being a full time worker, a babysitter in the afternoons, a Bible class teacher, a PTO mom, a boy scout leader, a mother, a wife, a friend, a daughter, to being in bed full time and unable to walk. Sure, some days were better than others and when they were I felt like Superwoman. I would go grocery shopping, walking for exercise, even washing my car. (What most people do everyday.) Then........ Reality would slap me in the face again and I'd pay for it in bed for two weeks.
During ALL of that the most pain that I suffered was from my fellow Christians. I know, that sentence is uncomfortable, but it's true. They would see me at the grocery store on Tuesday but, not at bible class on Wednesday. The reason was, I was hunched over like Quasimodo from doing too much.
Cute huh? NOT!
They made comments about me missing. Rude comments. When, in all honesty, I hated myself enough for not having the confidence in myself to go in public like that.
* Please do not belittle someone for not being who you think they should be. They may not know how to be anything different at that time. *
I decided after that year that I would take myself off of all my meds. It was trying, but needed. I needed ME back. I still am affected everyday by my Fibro. Some days are still better than others. I try to control it by my eating and exercising. And, now I feel good most days. The move here has been a lot harder than I expected it to be physically. My flare ups have been more than normal in the past Year. But, I'm getting there, I think.
My immune system is the pits. And, a common cold can last six weeks. (That can make anyway a little ill.) But, I do my best. And, I promise you that anyone that has Fibro, MS, or any other type of illness like this is doing their best also.
One of the best thing that happened to me during all of this was becoming friends with ET. She has MS. I hate that she suffers through that. But, having someone understand you is the biggest step to accepting who you are. I could text her any day and say, "I'm ill, I'm upset, I'm worthless (meaning I can't get anything done) or I'm exhausted and she knew exactly what I meant. I didn't have to explain myself and I didn't have to worry that she would judge me. I didn't have to worry that I was getting on her nerves. She knew exactly what I meant. Thank you Lord for giving me ET and thank you ET for loving me. The good, bad and ugly. (well you know I'm the good one) HEHE! She loves me!
Now the purpose for all of this was to let you know that normally........ I'm a doll! : )
I know I'm a good wife, a good mom, a good friend, a good sister, a good daughter, just a good overall person. I know that because I'm wonderfully made in God's image. God made me to be what he wants me to be. I feel my flaws are given to me to slow down and to help others in need. Somebody has to do it, right? I enjoy helping others realize the good in themselves. We have too many negative things going for us. We need that positive reinforcement. God made us GOOD! Start believing it. Start living like it.
My life is amazing. I'm not rich, I'm not skinny, I'm not driving my dream car. But, I'm happy. I have a beautiful home . I adore my back porch. I love my morning runs. My hydrangeas bloom everyday just to make me happy. It's a fact!!!!! My husband is the best thing since sliced bread.(And, I love bread!) My children are amazing. My friends are the best. My life is perfect.
Give yourself a break on those bad days. They aren't that often. You will make mistakes. You will make your family mad. You will disappoint your friends. You will be rude to the lady at the cash register when you are ill. It is going to happen. Apologize. Beg for forgiveness if need be. Buy that cash register lady a bouquet of flowers the next time you go in and assure her that you are a pleasant person most of the time. Eventually she will believe you!!!!!!!!!!! Well, hopefully! But, you know what the truth is. A few bad days does not make a bad life.
So forgive me.
Forgive me when I'm not myself. Forgive me when I say I can't do something, when you think I should. (I know my limits.) Forgive me when I'm not smiling, I'm doing the best I can. Forgive me when I'm in pain.
I try my best to live life to the fullest but some days I'm just not myself. It's the Devil in me!
Forgive me. And Forgive others!
P.S. Give a hug today!
